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Why yes, yes it does.

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(But you hate BK, Peter. Everytime you go there you’re already scolding yourself as you drive into the line, and then after the meal you feel like filling the empty paper bag with waste product, setting it on fire and hurling it through the front window in protest of the fact that you paid three more dollars than you would have at McDonalds for something you enjoyed half as much. What will be different this time?)

Well, for once a BK sandwich actually looks good.

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I thought that they were building a Culver’s in Carbondale.

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I hoped. I dreamed. I dreaded the thought of my empty wallet and overflowing gut.

I was wrong.

There’s an old Dairy Queen at the corner of SR-13 and the road to Emily’s Pad, long closed since there’s a much cuter walk-up DQ on US-51 near the college. It’s been deserted as long as I can remember, but about a month ago painters showed up and transformed the old fading red roof into a blue-and-white masterpiece.

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Just like Culvers!

There’s a lot of Northern Illinois influence in Carbondale. Since so many Chicagolanders send their offspring to university here, gyros and Chicago Style Hot Dogs, delicacies rarely found south of Cub Country, are frequent. There’s a different pizza place on every block. The lack of Culvers is quite stunning, especially since the chain has recently moved into the St. Louis area. So for this Wisconsin-based franchise that has propagated quite well through Chicagoland, popping up on that corner would be quite appropriate.

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Instead, it’s a quick loan place. Great, just what Southern Illinois needed. More residents deeper in debt. 400% interest rates are totally not fraud, no way.

I have a glass bottle of Ski and you don’t.

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Well, I had a bottle of Ski. Now it’s just a bottle; the Ski is in me belly.

Ski is that rare, natural citrus drink found mostly in the south, though it’s hung around Clinton and Washington Counties in my Southern Illinois homeland. Lately, I’ve been able to find it elsewhere, such as Lebanon in St. Clair County, and the fiancee and I have decided that, since neither of us drink the potents, we shall forgo champagne at our celebration and instead toast with glass bottles of Ski.

She found this even rarer treat at a service station in Nashville (Illinois, not Tennessee!) last week, and I debated for several days whether I would waste its uniqueness so soon. Convinced I can find more (enough, in fact, for a wedding reception,) I downed it with my chili dinner last night.

So good.

Perhaps the only thing higher on my list of excellent carbonated beverages (it’s a rare honor to make this chart) is homemade root beer, the type you find at Culver’s, A&W and every other block in the city of Joliet. Fountain Pepsi would come in third. Alas, I seek to drink less soda, so I should enjoy my Ski treats when I have the chance.

“We need to change the list.”

Emily is ANGRY because Hardees, it seems, has dropped roast beef from their menu. If you remember the list of her top ten fast food restaurants (and I know you do; it was printed out and placed on your refridgerator door some time in late February – look for it next to the Domino’s coupons) then you know that Hardee’s barely made the list, and solely on the strength of their roast beef.

Now it is gone.

This is the case, at least, at the Hardees locations that Emily has stopped at. It may not be a company-wide move, since, as you know, “prices and participation may vary.” But on the flip side, who gives a damn? Hardees sucks ass.

There is not a replacement yet, but as Emily says, “HARDEES MUST GO!” Oh, and “Now Hardees failure is complete,” since my Love can’t go five minutes without quoting George Lucas. No argument here.

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could fill the tenth slot, but she’s little experience there. You know how I feel about that place.

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Peter doesn’t like to try new food.

Maybe it’s the lost opportunity. I could have that new McDonalds burger, but then I would have missed my chance to have the meal I know I love. We could go to a different restaurant, but I might not like it and cry over the lack of excellent grub.

So I never tried Culver’s.

It mocked me. The promise of “butter burgers” (as if the patties weren’t fat enough) and frozen custard did nothing to alter my course and draw me anywhere near the pretty blue awning. Too homey-looking, and the custard couldn’t come close to Ted Drewes. Nope. Onto McDonalds!

Then I tried Culver’s.

My first impression was how diverse the menu was, and how upon repeat visits I would have trouble deciding what to eat. Burger? Melt? Chicken?

After six or seven trips, I’ve yet to deviate from the burger. It’s just too good, a bigger, better butter burger if you will. The custard: not as good as Uncle Ted’s, but very good, and a lot for little money.

The biggest complement I can give Culver’s (besides the damn excellent food) is how different the place seems from other fast food/fast casual restaurants, at least the one I’ve visited in O’Fallon (IL.) Despite what the fiancee thinks, good things do The Darwin Awards trailer Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story movie

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come from Wisconsin (like the idea to number state highways, for example,) and this chain brought with it a dining atmosphere with an amazing level of cleanliness. For all the restaurants that seem like carbon copies of each other (am I in Applebee’s or TGI Fridays?) Culver’s manages to stand out.

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And some restaurants have WiFi.

I should try new things more often.

On the phone with the fiance:

Emily: If you’re wondering why I’m not home yet, I’m going to Arby’s.
Peter: I didn’t realize you weren’t home.
Emily: Okay, I’m going to order now.
Arby’s: Welcome to Arby’s, can I take your order please?
Emily: Yes, I’ll have a MarketFresh Roast Beef sandwich…
Arby’s: I’m sorry, we’re out of roast beef.

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Emily:

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Arby’s: Yeah, sorry.

Huh.

Location: McDonalds, Carbondale West.

Time: Approx. 11:30 CST, Friday, 10 Feb 06.

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Reason: lunch. Large #2, Coke.

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Drive-thru window: seventeen cars. SEVENTEEN. (17)

Peter went in to get his lunch to-go instead of waiting in the Parade of Suckers. Time: just under three minutes.

The line outside, seventeen cars long, barely moved.

Suckers.

FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD

Emily and I certainly eat out enough to have an appreciation of the fast food joints that line our city streets, even if the Girl, gasp, doesn’t eat ground beef. No burgers. No spaghetti with meatballs. Just seasoned taco meat and a little chili. Thankfully, she loves chicken as much as she loves the boy.

Anyway, here are our top ten fast food joints; Applebee’s type restaurants and pizza places will follow later.

Peter:

10 – Burger King
So expensive! So greasy! The onion rings, stale and average, for some reason attract my taste buds, but as filling as a Double Whopper is, I just can’t bring myself to spend $7.50 on something I can get for a little over $5 at the number one fast food joint on my list. Bonus points for ICEEs and the fast (oh my good lord it’s so fast) service at their western Carbondale, Illinois location, but it’s just. so. expensive!

9 – Jack in the Box
JITB matches the price and the grease of the royalty we just covered, but the difference is the originality. Egg rolls! Mini-tacos! BIG BIG JUICY CHEESY BURGERS. I lived off Jack’s big round, white head during much of college, and though I rarely eat it now since there’s no location close enough, it’s worth the price and the inevitable early death thanks to the grease.

8 – Quizno’s
I joined Jared’s gang long before those cute (not annoying) Quizno’s spots with the weird looking gerbils popped up and toasted subs became all the rage. So I’m more of a Subway man, particulary since they’ve recently figured out how to use a toaster oven. That said, a diversion to Quizno’s breaks up the monotony every now and then, and it’s healthier than most other places on the list.

7 – White Castle
Sliders! Cheese fries! BIG DRINKS! The menu is limited for me here: double cheeseburgers and fries (with hot, sexy, melted cheese…mmmmm) and a big drink, but it’s good and not too expensive and certainly original. Word of warning: don’t drive within smelling range of a White Castle. You will be eating there if you do.

6 – Dairy Queen
Their Brazier offerings do nothing for me, and I rarely stop for a cone, but M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD M&M BLIZZARD yeah.

5 – Wendy’s
Where are all the Wendy’s? Not where I live. Not where I work. Catastrophe. Once Wendy’s was king thanks to their Chicago Style Hot Dogs, but even now, absent that treat from the menu and without Dave Thomas to brighten my commercial breaks, it’s still a great place to eat. Their squarish burgers are top rate, and at some locations the side casaer salad is a good substitute for fries (at others it sucks; eater beware.) Frostees are okay, if nothing to go out of your way for.

4 – Arby’s
I’m so hungry I could eat at Arby’s! I eat little here save their roast beef (which, contrary to the urban legend, does NOT get shipped in liquid form,) but it’s worth it. Add some horseradish sauce and fries w/Arby’s Sauce (read: house tangy BBQ sauce) and YES YES YES. Not too expensive, either.

3 – Sonic
It took me three tries to like Sonic. The first two it came off as blah, okay, but nothing special. Third time’s the charm; it may have helped that my burger was complemented by the cherry slushee that now runs my life. Such a collection of treats, too, even if the fries leave something to be desired. Like better fries, for one.

2 – Subway
Healthy, not too expensive, and the cookies are first rate. I miss the Sub Club (damn cheaters) and to an extent Pepsi products (though Cherry Coke is a GOOD THING,) but there’s soooooo much to like and soooooo much variety. Subway Club! Italian BMT! Yeaaaaah.

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1 – McDonalds
Oh, McDonalds, how you run my life. $4.33 for a large number two with a Coke (or often these days, Diet Coke.) Chicken sandwiches! CHICKEN NUGGETS OH YES! The best BBQ sauce anywhere. DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER! THE OMG OMG BEST OMG FRIES EVAR! Oh, what a mark I am for the Golden Arches, and how I cannot live without thee. Even the McFlurries are good. Swoon.

Honorable Mention: Hardees thickburgers are okay, but they hit the wallet and are way too messy. Taco Bell used to be a favorite, but only their nachos carry weight with me now; the tacos look like they’re scooped out of a dumpster in the back. Their brother, Kentucky Fried Chicken, is good, but a little chicken goes a long way, so I rarely eat there.

EMILY!

10 – Hardees Roast beef!

9 – Long John Silver Lent!

8 – Kentucky Fried Chicken Boneless Honey BBQ Wings! (Boo, seasonal) Twister! Extra Crispy!

7 – Taco Bell Emily’s Taco Bell Rebuttal: “That’s only if you get the sloppy hamburger-meat. Try steak or chicken, yum!”

6 – McDonalds “The holotype of fast food restaurants.” Premium Chicken! McFlurries! CHICKEN NUGGETS OH YES! The best BBQ sauce anywhere. THE BEST FRIES EVER!

5 – Wendy’s Grilled Chicken sandwich with the GOOD sauce. Like the Chicago Style Hot Dogs, Emily misses her Pita. Though now she has her Peter. Close, but not as good with caesar dressing.

4 – Subway Cheap and healthy, and SOUTHWEST SAUCE! BANANA PEPPERS! White chocolate macadamia nut cookies!

3 – Dairy Queen Ice cream, chicken strip baskets and more ice cream. Like cakes. And Blizzards. And shakes. Oh my.

2 – Quizno’s OMG OMG OMG! HONEY MUSTARD SAUCE! AND BANANA PEPPERS! Mmm, toasty. (Peter slaps Emily) (Not really. Never.)

1 – Arby’s “Isn’t this obvious?” My, what a mark for roast beef Emily is, in, as she puts it, “its many forms.” Even the shakes are good. JAMOCHA!

At most places, when you use your debit card, they ask you to swipe it, then insert your PIN.

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Secret code sounds much cooler. It’s like I’m a spy grabbing an order of cheese fries before the Soviets zero in on my location.

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