Okay, self. You’re a tech geek. You like shiny things. Sell yourself an iPhone.

Well, okay. I guess I would have to start with…DUH. IT’S A FREAKING IPHONE. Not only is it the coolest damn looking mobile out there, but it’s an iPod. And don’t tell me you don’t like iPods and that you’re not an early adopter; you had a first-gen Windows iPod a full month before they hit stores.

Yes, but I have an iPod. A Touch. Just bought it a couple months ago.

Go sell that brick on eBay then. With an iPhone you get every feature your iPod has plus, like, a zillion more. Literally. Steve Jobs’ boys were actually able to locate the number zillion; it’s actually one of the free apps available. Along with AIM chat, Facebook, GPS locator crap, song recognition technology, AOL Radio, a zillion (again, literally) games, live WeatherBug radar and you don’t have to be near an open WiFi network to use it all like with your pitiful iPod Touch.

I’m under contract to Verizon for another eighteen months, and I’m not paying the early termination fee.

So get around it, then. Consumerist lists a way to do that, like, everyday. In fact they just gave instructions JUST YESTERDAY for the EXPRESS PURPOSE of people USING IT TO GET OUT OF THEIR CONTRACT AND GET AN IPHONE. You stop by that site like ten times a day; how did you miss it?

Wow, you like to shout, don’t you? I didn’t miss that post, actually. I just ignored it because it’s not as easy to break free as they make it sound. Plus, I’m not the only one on the account: Emily and my mother are on it as well, and of the 700 minutes we’re allotted each month we usually have just under half of that left since we don’t talk much on the phone and most of who we do call are also Verizon customers, so the call is free.

But you could get a similar deal for them on AT&T…

Not with an iPhone I couldn’t. The data rate is horrid, and even worse since after they reduced the price of the new iPhones they jacked the rate you pay for your subscription. It would cost me in one month to have just one iPhone what I pay for three phones now. And AT&T certainly isn’t any cheaper as a whole; Lifehacker pointed me to this site that runs a comparison of your current plan with every other available one for your ZIP code. It’s conclusion was that it couldn’t save me a single dime by switching to another plan.

So basically you want me to literally double my mobile phone cost per month AND probably pay Verizon an ETF just so I can use Google Maps with GPS in the car and control my iTunes from six-hundred miles away.

I’m just going to repeat what you just said: Google Maps with GPS in the car.

Oh. Drool…

So we’re going to the AT&T store then?

Still no.