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Emily Converses In Her Sleep
The other night at about 10:30 I go into the bedroom and kiss a sleeping Emily to test the waters of awakeness before I venture out for a quick snack. To best enjoy the brief conversation that resulted, keep in mind that she was half asleep and both of us were being serious. Em: *unintelligible mumbling* camera? Me: What? Em: Do I have a lens in my camera? Me Um, yeah. *pause* Em: Do I need one? Me A lens? Em: Yeah. Me Well, to take pictures you do. Em: Oh. *pause* Do I have a camera? Me Yes, a little Sony one. Em: Oh. Me *nodding* Yeah, you’re asleep. I’m going out for food - I have the hungries - but you won’t remember that when you wake up, anyway. *silence*
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The Simpsons’ Top Ten Episodes
With the release of The Simpsons Movie on Friday, I was finally compelled to finish my long-forgotten Top Ten list of Simpsons episodes. Of course, the series continues to crank out new episodes, but given nothing worthy of such a list has appeared since season eight or nine, it’s easy to cast aside the latter half of the show’s episodes and focus on the glory days. Honorable Mention: Cape Feare, Grade School Confidential, Homer the Great, Homer the Vigilante, Kamp Krusty, Lisa The Vegetarian, Lisa’s Wedding The List!
pc. 2F02 - 6.5 - Sideshow Bob Roberts
While Cape Feare arguably sets the template for Sideshow Bob’s appearances, complete with the epic rake gag that is the epitome of Simpsons’ gags that shouldn’t be funny but is, Sideshow Bob Roberts raises the bar with the best collection of gags in any of Kelsey Grammar’s many worthwhile appearances. Bob’s out of prison, released after local Rush Limbaugh clone Birch Barlow uses his radio show to drive up Republican ire, and he’s gunning for Quimby’s job - and subsequent revenge against Bart. From the Matlock Expressway to the campaign ad skewing the revolving door prison under Mayor Quimby, the episode, like many to come on this list, is a rapid fire machine gun of priceless and witty jokes, culminating in Bob’s final courtroom outburst that apes “A Few Good Men” in a similar fashion as the rake gag: it goes just too far to be funny, then keeps going and re-enters the realm of hilarity. A highlight, as Homer debates voting for Bob candidates: “Hmm. I don’t agree with his Bart-killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy.”
pc. 2F17 - 7.2 - Radioactive Man
The ad reading “FLIM SPRINGFIELD” says it all: this, like most good Simpsons episodes, is about the little things. Hollywood’s finally shooting a Radioactive Man movie, and Springfield’s unpretentious ad in a trade paper draws the producers to the small town where nothing, not even movie screws, can be marked up too much. Giving Milhouse a front-and-center role is always a good thing, and Schwartzwelder makes the most of it here, from the boys’ hats flying skyward to Bart’s tall boots, slicked up hair and chihuahua dog giving him the inch of growth he needed “plus several feet more.” The ending, with Mickey Rooney taking Milhouse’s role and the producers retreating broke back to Hollywood, is a little weak, but what comes before is nothing but classic Simpsons.
pc. 9F21 - 5.1 - Homer’s Barbershop Quartet
The story of the Be Sharps works so much better if you know the history of The Beatles, but even for someone like me who didn’t upon first (and subsequent thirty) viewings, the episode excels as the best of the old Simpsons standby: the flashback told to Bart and Lisa. Starting innocently enough at a flea market (”Wow! Joseph of Arimathea! Twenty six conversions in A.D. 46!”) where an old copy of Homer’s album is discovered, we learn about the Grammy-winning days of Skinner, Apu, Barney and Homer as well as their Pete Besting of Chief Wiggum. It’s an early offbeat story for the series, more typical of a double digit season than in the middle of the show’s prime, and is basically written off at the end as the children wonder why they’d never heard of their father’s success before. Unlike episodes a decade later that would explore The Simpsons’ unbelievable exploits, this tempered effort sprinkled with the usual tight gags works wonderfully.
pc. 2F19 - 6.21 - The PTA Disbands
You can never go wrong with Skinner and Krabapple, especially since Bart is usually in on the mix. Here the whole town gets in on the fun as the teachers, egged on by Bart’s secret machinations (”Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher.”,) go on strike and forces the parents of Springfield - including Marge - to become substitutes (”I meant the other booby trap!”) Utterly hilarious, from the cheap field trip at the beginning to the resolution of the strike. There are instances where Skinner and Krabapple are better together (namely Grade School Confidential, home to two of my favorite Simpsons lines (”Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.” and “We’re talking about S-E-X. In front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.” “Sex Cauldron! I thought they closed that place down!”) but this episode offers more contributions from the supporting characters and delivers the best school-centered effort of the series’ run.
pc. 2F31 - 6.18 - A Star is Burns
Why Matt Groening took his name off of this episode I’ll never understand. Yes, it is a cheap crossover between The Simpsons and Fox’s newly acquired The Critic, but with the golden script that Simpsons and Critic scribe Ken Keeler turned out, he should have wanted his credit plastered all over the screen. Marge suggests that Springfield hold a film festival, and recruits Jay Sherman to be the guest critic along with Homer, Marge, Quimby and Krusty (”Let’s just say it moved me. TO A BIGGER HOUSE!”) Jay gets to stay with The Simpsons, prompting belching contests, random performances of the Oscar Mayer wiener song and conversations with Marge’s sisters (”You badmouthed MacGyver, didn’t you?”) The episode peaks with the film festival, featuring Hans Moleman being nailed in the groin (”This contest is over! Give that man the $10,000!”,) Burns’ attempt to make himself a god, and Barney’s triumphant look at his alcoholism rewarded with a lifetime supply of Duff Beer (”Just hook it to my veins!”) I understand the hesitation to endorse a network-forced crossover, but the result here is another example of how The Simpsons, in its prime, could do what no other show on television could: turn trash into treasure.
pc. 1F16 - 5.18 - Burns’ Heir
This is one of those episodes that sneaks up on you. Narrowing down my list of about thirty golden episodes into a compact ten, this fifth-season offering stayed towards the bottom at first until I gave it more and more thought - and then rewatched many of the candidates. It’s a rather simple plot, with Burns’ needing an heir to his fortune (since Smithers is to buried alive with him,) and Bart winning the prize by throwing rocks through Burns’ mansion windows (”Ooh, look! A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.”) Tired of being repressed, Bart angrily leaves his family to live with Burns, only to grow homesick and give up his future fortune. So many classic gags are found here, from the now famous THX open (that they HAVE to run before the movie, but I just know they won’t) to Burns singing “Let’s all go to the lobby” to the entire, hilarious heir audition sequence culminating in Bart getting the boot. The episode has a solid ending, as well, with Bart not just leaving Burns but having him “move to the left” over the trap door in his office, sending him hurtling downwards towards Lenny’s carcass. An often forgotten classic. Now we reach the Golden Four. Making this list, everything beneath this point - numbers five and down - were up for debate. But there’s no question about the top four episodes, starting with the single best gag machine gun in the show’s run.
pc. 2F06 - 6.9 - Homer Badman
Greg Daniels is close to deity, having given contributed to The Simpsons and co-created King of the Hill and The Office (US edition.) Here he does his best work, introducing Homer to the land of sexual harassment and giving us the height of the series’ ability to fire off a billion rounds of funny. Homer didn’t mean to grab the babysitter’s behind, of course; he was just trying to grab the gummy Venus de Milo. Now there’s protestors in the Simpsons’ yard, helicopters overhead offering twenty-four hour coverage (”Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers.” “Hey, that’s a half-truth!”) and the family results to public access television to plea for understanding - only to run into Willie, who has a tape proving Homer’s innocence (”He’s a foreigner who takes perverted videos of you when you least expect it. He’s “Rowdy Roddy Peeper!”) If the candy convention, with Homer’s slo-mo run from the exploding pop rocks and soda combo, isn’t funny enough, we get the Rock Bottom interview with the clock on the wall revealing the obviously chopped up video. Everything here is perfect.
pc. 2F22 - 6.24 - Lemon of Troy
“Lemon of Troy” may stand out to some on this list, as it’s rarely considered one of the gems of The Simpsons’ run. It’s rare episode that really focuses on the children of the town, as the evil Shelbyvillian brats steal the town’s beloved lemon tree, robbing the kids of Springfield of their main source of summer revenue: lemonade! We learn the origins of the two towns (Shelbyville’s founders wanted to love their cousins, apparently,) and Bart and company go undercover and in disguise to rescue their beloved tree. The interaction between the kids is priceless, with Nelson and Martin stuck together (”Team Discovery Channel!”) while Milhouse is discovered and finds his double (”So this is what it sounds like…when doves cry!”) Bart’s almost captured but evades his counterparts only to find a lemon shaped rock (”There’s a lemon behind that rock!”) and then the tree, trapped in the an impound lot (”The impenetrable fortress of suburbia!”) Homer and the parents roll into town (in Flanders’ new RV) to rescue the kids and the tree, and Springfield triumphs again! While the episode lacks the outright hilarity of most of its fellow best, it’s still damn funny and has a sweet, original plot that makes the episode standout from most at this point in its run. With different landscapes and less contribution from the adults, it almost feels like a different series, and an occasional change can be a good thing.
pc. 9F15 - 4.17 - Last Exit to Springfield
“Last Exit to Springfield” is usually regarded as the best in the series’ run, and when I see that I put up little argument. While not my choice for best episode, is the perfect example of The Simpsons at its height, with a believable, tightly written episode still chock full of throwaway gags. The union contract at the plant is up for renewal, and Burns wants to cut the dental plan. Unfortunately “Lisa needs braces,” which means Homer needs to keep the “dental plan.” He fights back, earning the leadership of the union, and strike were declared. Along the way, Lisa gets fitted for a mouthpiece not covered by insurance in a scene brilliantly lifted from Tim Burton’s Batman, we flash back to Burns’ youth at the “atom smashing plant,” Homer confronts “hired goons,” a meek-voice malcontent causes dissention at the union meetings, and Burns runs the plant by himself before realizing, in the style of the Grinch, that he can’t break the spirit of the union members. It’s a simple plot done in the Simpsons style, and it works more brilliantly than I can condense into words. You just have to watch it.
pc. 9F10 - 4.12 - Marge vs. the Monorail
While “Last Exit to Springfield” may be the best exampe of The Simpsons’ ability to take a simple plot and turn it into a hilarious and memorable twenty-two minutes, “Marge vs. the Monorail” is the show at its offbeat best. Thanks to Mr. Burns’ evil, the town has money to spend, and while Marge wants to fix up main street thanks to “people” driving with snow tires on and pianos strapped to their roof (”Hee hee, look at that pavement fly!”) the town feels differently after Lyle Lanley shows up and sings one of the show’s classic showtunes extolling the virtues of a monorail. While some have their doubts, especially Lisa (”I’d like you to explain why we should build a mass transit system in a small town with a centralized population,”) Lanley wins them all over and randomly makes Homer the conductor, sealing the town’s fate. The episode just. won’t. stop. with the funny, starting with Burns as Hannibal Lector, continuing with the “Lanley Institute” gag and the rodents in the fire extinguisher door (”I call the big one bitey!”,) all the way through the conclusion with Homer using the monorail’s “M” as an anchor (”Think harder, Homer!”) while guest star Leonard Nimoy (”Weren’t you one of the Little Rascals?”) beams away. As Marge details some of the town’s other follies at the end (”The escalator to nowhere…”) we’re out of breath; the episode flies by, providing us with the greatest laughs of the series. This is The Simpsons at its outlandish best.
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Spider Pig
Hans Zimmer’s beefed-up movie version of The Simpsons’ theme is available on iTunes. Worth the buck it costs to download? UM YEAH WHY DID YOU ASK ME THIS. Best part: the drums at the beginning that come in just before the chorus. The strings get a little overloaded at the end, but other than that it’s a worthy improvement as it makes it onto the big screen.
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