If anyone knows how to NOT double or triple bogey on the ninth in Wii Golf, please educate me. My best on the nine-hole course is five-over, and I’ve gone into the last hole with par four or five times only to finish under my record. In other words, the hole sucks it and sucks it hard.

If you caught the season finale of King of the Hill tonight where Luanne got married, it was obviously meant to be a series finale. The crowd at the wedding was complete with a slew of characters from throughout the series’ history, including the social worker from the pilot, and the episode ended with Hank and Friends in the alley, the last word spoken being Hank’s “Yup” before a fade to black. It would have made a decent wrap-up for the show if Fox hadn’t renewed it for another season out of the blue. Silly network.

If you want to be blown away by a piece of audio, listen to the recording on this page. It says you need headphones, and they’re 100% right. It’s amazing.

The current series in Chicago between the Cubs and White Sox (while, oddly enough, no games at all are being played in Detroit) made me think of this joke I ran across a couple years ago:

An elementary school teacher starts a new job in Milwaukee and decides to make a good impression on her first day. She explains to her class that she’s a Brewers fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Brewers fans. All the students raise their hands except one little girl.

Surprised, the teacher turns to the girl and says: “Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?”

“Because I’m not a Brewers fan,” says Mary.

The teacher is stunned. “Well, if you’re not a Brewers fan, then who do you support?”

“I’m proud to be a Cubs fan,” Mary replies.

“A Cubs fan?!” the teacher exclaims. “Mary, perhaps you would explain to the class how on Earth you came to be a Cubs fan?”

“My mom and dad are from Chicago. My mom is a Cubs fan, my dad is a Cubs fan, so I’m a Cubs fan, too!”

“My goodness,” says the teacher, obviously annoyed. “That’s no reason to be a Cubs fan! You don’t have to emulate your parents in every respect! What if your mom were a prostitute, and your dad were a drug-addicted car thief, what would you be then?”

“Then I’d be a White Sox fan.”

Federated reports that sales are down at the Marshall Fields locations that have been converted to Macy’s [Trib].

Federated Chairman and CEO Terry Lundgren said he was “pleased” with sales at the legacy Macy’s stores and at Bloomingdales, “however sales in the new Macy’s locations were disappointing in the quarter.” Total sales in the first quarter fell 0.2 percent to $5.92 billion, missing the company’s forecast of $6 billion to $6.1 billion.

I told you so?

The only issue with declaring victory over the numbskulls from New York is that retail sales have been weak overall. Yes, the report states that results in older Macy’s locations have been fine, giving hope that Federated will soon wake up to the truth that pissing on a town’s history won’t win you customers. But it’s still too soon, and there’s still the quite logical idea that many customers refuse business not out of some historical loyalty but the fact that they don’t like the new brands they find behind their formerly favorite doors.

Let’s just hope that sales at longtime Macy’s stores are through the roof for the rest of the year while the Fields locations languish. What little hope there is to revive the Fields name relies on Federated execs having no other excuse than customers don’t want to do business with the red starred nameplate.

Tuesday’s episode of Gilmore Girls is the last.

The show is one of my all time favorites, and in my last several years of college was one of the highlights of my week. For the first few seasons of the show it was the best thing on television, and even in the last several years, as the quality slipped, it was still far better than most other offerings. Like a lot of shows, the plots got thinner in later years, characters changed in odd ways in a desperate attempt to keep them relevant, and the universe folded in on itself as Rory became a bit of a bitch while Jess became awesome. That said, when the show was at its best there was nothing better.

With the series finale within twenty-four hours, I sat down to do a top ten episode list and I found that every episode except one came from the outstanding first season. This isn’t to say that other years weren’t good, particularly the second, which had a few offerings that almost mad the cut. It’s just that the initial twenty-one segments of the series were a magic arc cut to precision by Amy-Sherman Palladino, and the freshness of the show motivated the cast to give the tightly woven scripts their best efforts. Never do you see Alexis Bledel smile like you do in season one, and I can’t blame her. Seasons two through four were outstanding, and five through six weren’t bad. (Seven wasn’t even horrible, just not up to the standard the rest set.) It’s just that season one was, as I said, magic. Tremendous. Worth watching, in order, over and over again.

Original Air Date: 8 March 01
The first of many men that Emily forces upon Lorelai, coupled with Dean showing Rory the car he’s building for her - and promptly breaking up with her when he says he loves her and she can’t say it back (though her response is superior to “It’s nice that you think that.”) While the episode works better in tandem with the next segment (”The Breakup, Part 2″,) standing alone it’s still a standout offering, particularly for the act one scenes showing the continuing development of Rory and Dean’s relationship. The chemistry they showed throughout season one was remarkable at times, and “Star-Crossed Lovers and Other Strangers” serves as an excellent example.

Original Air Date: 10 May 01
One thing Gilmore Girls always excelled at was season finales, and like everything else in the series, season one did it best. Similar to that of David Chase’s first season of The Sopranos, the arc that series creator Amy Sherman-Palladino crafted for the debut year of the show was outstanding, with its ultimate hour drawing together threads that rekindled Rory and Dean’s romance, setup friction at school for the younger Gilmore’s upcoming junior year, and upgraded Lorelai’s dalliance with Max while simultaneously sewing more seeds into the Luke and Lorelai coupling. The two scenes in the final act where Dean meets Rory at Chilton and Lorelai is enveloped by one-thousand daisies stand out as Lauren Graham absolutely destroys all other actors with her reactions as she circles the lobby of the Independence Inn.

Original Air Date: 5 Oct 00
Few TV series find themselves on such firm footing from the get-go. Amy Sherman-Palladino had imagined her universe so well that everything seems natural from the start as we meet the two Lorelais, the elder flirting with Luke over coffee while the younger finds herself more and more disenfranchised at Stars Hollow High. The series really gets things rolling when Lorelai goes to visit her parents: as she sits on the wheel well of her Jeep, sipping her coffee as she stares away from the Gilmore Mansion in despair, we don’t have to be told about the icy relationship between her and her parents. Her face says it all.

Original Air Date: 14 Dec 00
This episode is pure magic. Lorelai tells Rory about the magic of snow, and sure enough it comes true as she finds Max, whom she’s had no luck meeting up with, stranded in Stars Hollow as the white gold falls. Meanwhile, Rory’s trapped in Hartford, giving her a chance to bond with the grandparents, something we often forget she’s had no opportunity to do in her sixteen years. Again Lauren Graham steals the show, but Alexis Bledel shows some chops as well as she learns more about her mother’s history.

Original Air Date: 15 Feb 01
As sure as the weather turns cold in the fall, as sure as Luke wears a crappy flannel shirt and as sure as Taylor is condescending in a bold choice of sweater, Paris and Rory have a fight every year. Every. Year. And every year, it annoys the hell out of me. “Concert Interruptus” is the beginning of their friendship, as Ms. Geller along with Madeline and Louise head to Rory’s to work on a group project and all end up at a Bangles’ concert in New York with Lorelai and Sookie. The casual way that Rory starts to fit in seems natural, as does Lorelai’s conversation at the concert with her best friend as she explores Luke’s romantic history. Lorelai fiddling with the garage sale items strewn around the Gilmore house as the kids study are one of the many little things that help provide the show with a sort of authenticity many series lack, as is the actual concert footage of The Bangles rather than audio lifted straight from the original album.

Original Air Date: 15 Mar 01
Rory refuses to “wallow” over her breakup with Dean, which upsets Lorelai. Luke shows the first signs of being a father figure to Rory by quite publicly not allowing Dean to run into his ex. And Lorelai convinces Rory to go to a big Chilton party where Paris steals the episode, Lane meets a cute Korean guy, and everyone dances to Elvis Costello. Damn, this show is awesome. Oh, and Lorelai has sex with Max, but whatever.

Original Air Date: 12 Nov 02
The only episode on this list from outside the first season comes our way from the third, as Rory and Dean’s two-year relationship unravels and Jess, being a complete dick about everything, enters the picture. What to love here is the most awesomely offbeat idea ever to grace the streets of Stars Hollow: the all-night dance marathon, complete with period dress. Besides the fun of the Girls trying to out-Kirk Kirk, we get Dean’s quite justified dumping of the younger Gilmore and the accompanying visual of Kirk circling the dance floor with his trophy to the tune of “Gonna Fly Now” while Lorelai consoles her daughter. While many very good episodes would follow, this is the last truly great episode of the series.

Original Air Date: 12 Oct 00
Lorelai in Daisy Dukes and boots: just another first day at a private prep school. Neither Girl is ready for Rory’s introduction to Chilton, especially when Emily shows up to accompany her daughter to her meeting with the headmaster. The episode acts almost as part two of the pilot, but it’s the better half with more friction between Emily and Lorelai, Rory meeting Paris and the gang and the rest of the crucial details of the Gilmore family settling in before the next few episodes of doggy paddling in place before the fun would kick into gear.

Original Air Date: 22 Feb 01
Dean’s never seen The Donna Reed Show, and when the Girls learn he likes some of the ideals (woman cooking for the man, who runs the household) of the show they are mocking, Rory decides to put on a show for him while catsitting next door. Meanwhile, Lorelai has animal problems at home that require Luke’s presence, setting up a quasi-date for the two as they search the Gilmore house for a lost baby chick. If the episode wasn’t good enough, Rory decides that perhaps some details of the Donna Reed lifestyle isn’t too imperfect, enjoying the proper evening the two spend together and later finding out that Reed was a sort of trendsetter for women in entertainment, holding more power behind the scenes than she though. A tremendous episode that entertains, furthers the relationships and even educates. Wow.

Original Air Date: 20 Dec 00
Rory has her name in the episode, but Lauren Graham, as usual, steals the show. Chilton’s having a dance, and Emily persuades her granddaughter to go, introducing Dean to the masses as Paris freaks, Tristan gets jealous and Madeline and Louise gain respect for their classmate. Meanwhile, Lorelai tweaks her back and is stuck on the couch, causing Emily, down to see Rory off to the dance, to stay to take care of her - and here’s where Graham and Kelly Bishop put on a damned clinic. Apart but for fleeting hours for sixteen years, mother and daughter bond as Emily’s maternal instincts return and Lorelai lets her guard down. Then Rory falls asleep with Dean away from home, Lorelai gets pissed, she and Emily throwdown, and then Rory returns for a scolding from mother. All this is good enough without Rory’s additional bonding with Dean, further concreting this as the strongest relationship Rory would have in the series’ run. Easily the best episode of the series, and the last ten minutes is nothing short of amazing.

Half-day of subbing
What subject to teach today?
Oh, we get to read

First, the advanced group
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
This class runs itself

Forty-five minutes
First hour becomes second
Uh-oh, the young ‘ens

Great Expectations
The girl in the front snores loud
Dickens: the Sandman

Third class reads silent
Finishing Lord of the Flies
I will write haikus

Twenty-four students
Two of them absent, faceless
God bless seating charts

A girl approaches
Can I go to my locker
A hall pass is signed

A half hour to go
Hall pass girl remains a ghost
Perhaps she dropped out

Girl returns, angry
Sometimes you just let it go
Then, silence returns

What words do students
Say the most to their teachers?
Hello? Please? Thank you?

The answer would be
“Can I go to the bathroom?”
An eternal fight

Boy stares into space
Book sits unopened, lonely
“Perhaps you should read”

Heads down on the desk
Do they sleep like this at home?
Pillows are for chumps

Eleven-thirty
Half-day is over; lunch time!
The end of haikus

MEMO
From: Peter Stork
To: The increasing number of people who think that folks don’t want Barry Bonds to break the all-time HR record because he’s black
Re: Race of Barry Bonds vs. Race of Hank Aaron

Barry Bonds is black.
Hank Aaron is black.

Barry Bonds used steroids.
Hank Aaron did not use steroids.

Discuss.